Bad Neighbor – Part 2

The continuation of the Bad Neighbor story.

At this point, in my story telling i want to take a moment to thank our savior, Princess. I’m not making it up, really her name is Princess. Princess worked some sort of voodoo cosmic magic super powers and got us signed up for the new apartment in next to no time and worked on our behalf to get a several of our transfer and processing fees waved (ended up close to 500$ in fees waved) to get us into the new apartment.

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Eulogy for the greatest idiotic dog ever.

Originally i set out to start writing this on Monday and then spend all week writing up a series of posts about my dog Ra who has been a part of my life for the best parts of the last 15 years. Reality kicked in and I’ve been so busy i just haven’t had the time too. So rather then five small posts, i plan to write just one big one.

Ra Nylholm Larsen (yes this is really whats on his paperwork) otherwise known as Ra, Ra-Dog, Cow-Dog, ‘You Stupid Mother Fucking dog’ and ‘omg how are you not dead’ adopted my family shortly after we moved to New Mexico. At the time we lived in a double wide trailer next to our house that was in the process of being built. My father came home one day and noticed this black and white mutt running around the in process house. He paid it no mind thinking that the dog belonged to one of the construction workers. As the construction workers began to pack up, he was surprised when after he casually called out ‘hey, don’t forget your dog’ one of them responded back with ‘he’s not ours, we thought he was yours.’ A few days later, Ra was a part of our lives. He was so skinny that you could see his ribs and we took a shine to him immediately trying to shove as much food down his happy gullet as we possibly could. We ended up naming him Ra after the Egyptian sun god for his arrival with the sun that morning.
We never really discovered what kind of dog he was, Collie and Healer mix with some other dog genetics in there to just to confuse the issue. He was a herding dog though, that showed up pretty quickly when he’d tried to herd us around the yard and on his daily walks. He also loved to roam and considering the size of my parents back yard he got to do that a lot. in fact his roaming ended up causing a rift with my neighbors for a few years when our other dog followed him over and caused the death of one of their dogs. (story for another time). Ra was fiercely protective of us, roaming my parents property and keeping all the coyotes away. in fact on more then one occasion we would step outside to see Ra chasing one or two coyotes over a hill only to watch him get chased back over the hill by the same Coyotes. This would repeat itself on more then one occasion.
life with Puppy Ra was never boring, we quickly learned that he had no problems chewing anything and everything. When Christmas time comes around we still don’t hang any ornaments or Christmas lights below about 3 feet from the floor because he considers them fair game. That damn dog chewed on everything. I’m still puzzled how he survived chewing through so many Christmas lights and computer power cords without dying from being electrocuted. Seriously, he’s like a terminator dog or something. sent back to chew on electrical cables to prevent john connor from being born.

I’m actually having a hard time keeping this going, i have a few other stories about Ra that i think people will enjoy so i might post them up later today. In the meantime, have some photos of him i took recently from my iPhone.

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I’m sorry you have to go Ra, i love you and have enjoyed every single second of the 15 years we had together. you will be missed, /salute

Storytime With Mason – Now With Kung Fu Spider Killing Action

 

My Twitter Feed That Morning

My Twitter Feed That Morning

 

Every since i was little I’ve always had problems with sleeping. Someday’s i am such a light sleeper, a car driving by or window blinds shifting from a breeze is enough to bring me full awake. Other days i’ll sleep through four alarms blaring next to my head. In the last 15-20 years I’ve developed sleep talking and some mild sleep walking problems. When i talk to people in my dreams, i’m actually talking in real life. when i slay the dragon by punching him in the face, i’m punching my pillow or a wall (broke a finger and put a giant whole in the sheet rock with that one)

This morning i had the most violent and destructive episode ever.

Here’s how it went down.

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Storytime With Mason – Look Ma No Eyebrows

At an early age my parents realized i was a giant magnet for trouble when i was bored. I lacked discipline they always told me. Meaning if i didn’t have anything to do i would make shit up as i go, usually ending with something broken, something bleeding or quite possibly all the above.
When we moved to NJ, my parents immediately sought out after school activities for their kids. My ass landed in the Scouts. Theres a few photos floating around of me in my Cub Scout and Boy Scout uniform somewhere. not sure where, i’ll probably find it in two weeks and tweet it like i did with my pajama photo.
My best friend in NJ was also in the same Boys Scout troop as me, Lamont.
Lamont and i managed to get stuck together in the same.. is the right term Squad? i remember it was called Badger and that fit us pretty well because our squad was a bunch of mean fuckwits. i think they stuck us all together in the hopes we’d kill ourselves off and cull ourselves from the herd.
Anyway, on our third or fourth month in Badger Squad we got assigned morning cooking duties. This mean we were in charge of setting up our fire, doing all the cooking and clean up. Other members of our squad were in charge of dinner and lunch. Well Lamont and i being as competitive as we are decided we wanted to one up our squad mates and cook bacon as well as pancakes. (if you have ever been in the scouts, pancakes quickly becomes a staple of your wilderness diet.)
Lamont and i get the fire going and we’re cooking pancakes and Lamont decides to throw a bunch of bacon on to cook.
Here’s the thing about bacon, its full of grease. Grease is flammable. In about 2 minutes flat we had a major grease fire on our metal cooking plate. A big one.
now i don’t know how they do it now but it used to be they taught us ff you have a fire, use something non flammable like baking soda to put it out. We kept extra boxes of baking soda around just for this reason.
The one thing you don’t do is pour water on it.
So here i am standing over it smacking at it with my spatula trying to get the flaming bacon off the cooking plate and Lamont comes in with a cup of water and pours it all over the cooking pan.
it doesnt work.

The simple little grease fire explodes in my face, i violently leap back trip and land on my back smacking parts of my clothes that are now on fire. Flaming Grease, fire and cotton don’t mesh well together.
Everyone stops and turns to look at this disaster that has occurred over the space of about 10 seconds. *Everyone pauses for a moment to take this all in* Everyone then fly out of the chairs run over and begin stomping on me to put me out. At some point i take a boot to the face so my nose starts bleeding. So now i’m burned, bleeding and worst of all starved.

Finally when they realize i’m not on fire, they pick up my smoking carcass and sit me at the picnic table. My face hurts, my back hurts, frankly everything hurts.

Daniel one of the other members looks at me and starts laughing and pointing, everyone walks back to the table and starts laughing. i’m confused, in pain and starting to get really angry.

“Whats so fucking funny.”
“Dude….. dude…. you’re eyebrows.. you’re eyebrows are gone!” *note the ….. are from him laughing so hard he can’t breathe*.

Everyone immediately comes over to check this out and they all start laughing at me.

Someone finally hands me a mirror and i finally catch a glimpse of myself, busted nose, blood smeared all over my face, my face red with a 1st degree burn like a bad sunburn and no eyebrows.

I was pissed and scared. “How am i going to go home like this? My parents are gonna kill me.”

“Oh we’ll just draw them in, nobody will notice i promise.”

So my ‘friends’ in badger squad used a sharpie to draw fake eyebrows.
I got my revenge though a few months later and broke Lamont’s nose. We were best friends for years after that till i moved to New Mexico.